Wednesday, August 24, 2016

checkerboard accent table


If you'd warned me you were coming, I would have put on a bra.

Quite a few of you told me recently that you'd gone back and read some of my very early posts. Let me tell you the pain and humiliation I'm feeling right now.

I'm feeling pain and humiliation right now.

True confession: When I started this blog, I had never read a blog. I didn't follow blogs. I had no idea what a blog was, beyond the fact it was a "web log," which eventually became known as a "blog."

I wanted to document the building of our new home, and I knew if I didn't do it electronically, it was never going to happen. I am not a scrapbooker. That would require organizational (and artsificational) skills beyond my ken. Therefore, I took tentative steps into the unknown and breathed life into delusions. (As a side note, this little slice of heaven just had its fourth bloggiversary!)

I posted some projects to get my feet wet and learn the ropes. One of my earliest furniture makeovers is still one of my favorites. This sassy accent table lives right next to my sofa, which, in turn, lives right behind my Neurotic Buffet.

The original post makes me cringe. Thankfully, it hasn't received much attention or adulation. The original post blew chunks. But I feel this table deserves a second chance at notoriety. Won't you help a table out?

I had already removed the table's legs at this point. I wasn't very good at before pictures, and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how to remove the date stamp from my camera.

The table had a brass button in each corner, and they certainly weren't enhancing the whole table-makeover experience. Phil drilled them out and filled the holes with wood filler. We sanded down the top and discovered a gorgeous veneer underneath the orange muck and shell-uck.

I loved the color and pattern in the wood, until I turned the table ninety degrees. 

Let's address the elephant on the blog right now. I couldn't have all that female anatomy staring me in the face, okay? I mean, could you?

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

I added a coat of clear, water-based polyurethane (no stain) and devised a plan to show off the wood top, yet not have it feel quite so pornographic.

I ordered a checkerboard-patterned vinyl decal online and positioned the decal in the center of the table. I also added some painter's tape to allow more of the wood to be visible, but still camouflage the . . . um . . . elephant.

After everything was in place, I added another coat of clear to seal the tape and vinyl before priming the entire surface.

Once dry, we sprayed enough black paint to coat the entire surface.

Because black paint matters.

Before the paint had a chance to dry, we began lifting the vinyl and the tape to reveal the pattern. (If we'd waited until the paint was dry, we ran the risk of peeling the paint off with the tape, and that would be more than I could bear.)

Everything was going according to my devious plan until I attempted to add a red stripe around the perimeter of the checkerboard. That was disastrous. Phil came to the rescue and covered my fu mistake with silver pinstriping tape.

I added a couple more coats of polyurethane, and the table was good to go. Did I mention I paid only $5.00 for this table?

Did you notice that wedding date sign back there? Yep, that sign marked seventeen years of wedded bliss, and I'm unabashedly plugging it since it didn't get very much attention a few weeks ago.

I love this table. It can hold two owls and a chicken like nobody's business.

I found this lamp at Sam's Club. I've since broken up with Sam and am courting Mr. Costco.

What do you think? It was definitely worth a second look wasn't it?

Now, for heaven's sake, go pour yourself a glass of wine and put on a bra. 


  1. There are very few people I put on a bra for, just so you know. This table is incredible! And you are so right...what's seen can't be unseen. But, one thing....two owls and a chicken? Uh, that's a bird, not a chicken. Unless there's one hidden under the first plant? Or it's an invisible chicken? 'Sup with this? I'm sure I'm missing something. Dona

    1. Phil calls it a chicken, so I just went with it. :D

  2. So I was chuckling along as I read this post. I read absolutely everything you write. 😳 I'm your biggest fan! ⚒ (looked for some hobbled leg emojis but can you believe they don't have one?!) but when I got to see your tables private parts I almost choked to death on my coffee laughing! This is the best!! And I'm truly loving this table. It's actually one of the best tic tac toe tables I've seen. Thank you for covering all that twin business up! I think it's actually burned into my retinas, and they were so shiny too!! 😂😂😂

    1. My goal in life is to have my readers choke to death! =D

  3. Nice table and I do remember commenting on your sign... and I still like it!

  4. You said bliss and look I showed up. Me and a table with anatomy all at the same time, you're blessed.

  5. My son likes the big owl. He claims he does not see a rendering of female anatomy, but it's obvious to me. What's wrong with us? It's 10:56 p.m. I'm not putting on a bra, and I don't have any wine. Your table is great, as is everything you do.


  6. Oh my goodness! Your posts always make me laugh out loud. This one my dear, totally cracked me up! Thanks for your absolutely fun blog! Happy belated anniversary!

  7. I'm so happy my clock showed up for the presentation.
    I call my cats "chickens", so yeah, I'm cool with that being a chicken also.

  8. LOL! My DIL, Leah broke up with Sam and is seeing Mr. Costco now, too.
    Great table. I don't think I had visited yet four years ago. I started my blog as a mass single letter to my friends and family down in Minneapolis--which is why I started them with a day and time (they're already dated) like I do my letters. Once I started that...well, we all know I have some OCD tendencies--LOL! And I've been told my posts still sound like a chatty letter. ;) I don't know how we ran across each other out here in cyberland, but I'm glad we did. :)

  9. I see alien faces...although they could be alien private parts, too.
    But whatever it was, I'm glad I don't have to look at it anymore.
    Good job covering that mess up and now the chicken and the owls can live together in harmony. Sorry but I'm definitely NOT putting on a bra. Or pants.
    xo, T.

  10. This makes me very happy, indeed!! =D

  11. A table that can hold books and blue jars gets my entire approval, of course. Now where are my bras? I really need to find them since I'm going back to school soon!

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