gracie chronicles vol. I: rogue bladder

My bladder has gone rogue. I had surgery almost four weeks ago, and I still leak piddle like a sieve, and I'm so embarrassed. I heard Mom say diaper the other day, and I don't think she was talking about the Reese-Baby. 

Speaking of the Reese-Baby, Mom made this adhorrible picture of me and the Reese-Baby all smooshed together. We are a few of her favorite things, so let's see what we look like as a dog-baby stew, right?

She calls it Grace-Swap. She thinks she's so clever.

Woof. I am Greecie.

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reese lynn's quilt of many colors

Whoa. Thank goodness you're here.

I made two very important stops the other month. The purpose of those stops will reveal itself shortly.

Do you remember this?

And this?

Yeah, I'm way fatter than that now. What did you expect? My granddaughter was ready to come bursting forth from the womb at the moment I began typing this. And I've been gaining gran-pathy fat.

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gracie

I want to eat The Cat.

I want to eat The Cat so badly I think she would be the tastiest of morsels.

My cat-eating plans continue to be thwarted.

So I will wait. I will be patient, even though that is not in a Schnauzer's nature. I will give Mom, Dad, and Cat a false sense of security.

Then I will make my oh-so-delicious move.

Woof. I am Gracie.

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the empty bowl

It's obvious when a bowl is empty, right?

It's a basic assumption we can recognize an empty bowl when we see one. Sometimes that empty bowl will stare us in the face, and yet, we look beyond it.

At other times, that empty bowl will slap us in the face and demand to be recognized.

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i like big decks and i cannot lie {part three}

It's officially mimosa time.

Why does everyone say "sip mimosas"? I heard these words fall out of my own mouth, and the lie echoed loudly in my ears. Let's slam mimosas. Because at least that has the ring of truth to it.

And I'll have none of that pulpy orange juice. If it doesn't flow willingly down the gullet, it tends to slow down (and, thus, ruin) the experience.

Better yet, let's make mimosas with apple cider, vodka, and bubbly. Because fall has arrived. My daughter, Emma, found this recipe and we had to try it out. Yum yum. 

I love drinking with children.

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big-screen tv gallery wall

Hello, and welcome to my wall! I like to call it the vomit wall, but I thought you might not have come for a visit had I called it so.

I'm quite sure you're all familiar with the gallery wall concept. I'm not plowing any new ground here, except for that in my own home. If you're unfamiliar with this ingenious design concept, you won't be for long.

If you are a minimalist and hate this type of design, continue at your own risk. You've been duly warned.

The purpose of this project was not to hide my big-ass TV. Or even my big ass. I've read quite a few posts on TV gallery walls, and the reason for their gallery was to "hide, camouflage, or disappear" the flat-screen.

Unless you hang a whale on the wall in front of my TV, you're going to see it.

Personally, I don't mind the big black blob on the wall. It helps me see Chris Hemsworth better. I do mind the endless space around the big black blob. It's a blah blob.

Bob Loblaw Law Blog. You, sir, are a mouthful.

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my heart overflows

I don't know how to begin this post. I suppose I will simply begin writing, and the words will come.

Some of you are aware I became a grandmother last week. 

(I'll pause here a moment to bask in the warmth of your disbelief.)

I don't know how it happened, but somewhere between sleeping and waking, this sweet baby boy grew up. Not that he had far to go, mind you. I swear he was using my uterus as a frat house, since he came out mostly grown at ten pounds, ten ounces.

Twenty-five years ago.

Toting an empty beer bottle.

While driving a car.

Blasting AC/DC.

And sporting tats.

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i like big decks and i cannot lie {part two}

Phil's out playing with his deck again. By himself. Where everyone can see.

As if the neighbors didn't have enough to complain about.

Here's where we left off with our $437,000 deck:

What's that? You don't think it looks like a $437,000 deck? In all honesty, neither do I. Except for this next bit.

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get drunk and paint a picture night

Do you have those paint-and-drink studios where you live? You know, where you can have an artist walk you through the steps of creating a masterpiece, all while imbibing your favorite tasty alcoholic beverage? My daughter calls this the "get-drunk-and-paint-a-picture thing."

She's a girl after my own heart.

Meet Emma. I love this picture of us. She doesn't always dress up in leopard spandex with pink and green sprouts in her hair, although she should. In fact, I like the look so much, I think I'll run out and get my own similar combo.

This picture was after her unforgettable performance as Paulette in Legally Blonde this summer.

She. Was. Awesome.

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checkerboard accent table

Ummm...Hi?

If you'd warned me you were coming, I would have put on a bra.

Quite a few of you told me recently that you'd gone back and read some of my very early posts. Let me tell you the pain and humiliation I'm feeling right now.

I'm feeling pain and humiliation right now.

True confession: When I started this blog, I had never read a blog. I didn't follow blogs. I had no idea what a blog was, beyond the fact it was a "web log," which eventually became known as a "blog."

I wanted to document the building of our new home, and I knew if I didn't do it electronically, it was never going to happen. I am not a scrapbooker. That would require organizational (and artsificational) skills beyond my ken. Therefore, I took tentative steps into the unknown and breathed life into delusions. (As a side note, this little slice of heaven just had its fourth bloggiversary!)

I posted some projects to get my feet wet and learn the ropes. One of my earliest furniture makeovers is still one of my favorites. This sassy accent table lives right next to my sofa, which, in turn, lives right behind my Neurotic Buffet.

The original post makes me cringe. Thankfully, it hasn't received much attention or adulation. The original post blew chunks. But I feel this table deserves a second chance at notoriety. Won't you help a table out?

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i like big decks and i cannot lie {part one}

Well, hello there!

I thought I'd catch you up on Phil's Summer 2016 project:

The $437,000 Deck

I may be exaggerating a wee bit, but it certainly has been pricey. Perhaps we would have gone with a more conservative plan had we realized how much of our kids' inheritance we were going to be spending.

Maybe something like this:

source

That would have been totally affordable. 

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DIY wedding date sign

Salutations!

I have a fun little project today that will segue (at a later date) into a larger project that's been in the works for several months. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, m'kay?

Right now it's all about Adversity Day. Because it's today! 

Today marks seventeen years of Phil and Andi avoiding death at each other's hands. If you missed my other Adversity Day posts, you can see them here and here and here!

Remember when I stole a bunch of rough-sawn cedar from our neighbor and we made amazing things out of it? Like our Pot Farm? And our DIY Headboard? And our Trellis of all Time?

We still have scads left over, and since neither Phil nor I can ever remember when or why we got married, I thought I'd make us a little sign to mark that blessed event.

At least it will remind us of when we got married, if not why.

Phil cut four boards and used his Kreg jig to screw them together. I slapped together some type I liked and printed it out. I'm pretty sure I got the date right. I sure hope so, otherwise it defeats the whole purpose of the project, and this blog post can go straight into the "fail" column.

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bleeding john deere green

Greetings!

Who remembers our sexy shed? You do? You, my friends, are marvelous!

I'd like to tell you about the wee beasties who live in the shed, but first, a little background.

I had an amazing childhood. This was mostly due to the fact I'm the youngest of six children, and by the time my parents got around to raising me, they were understandably exhausted.

But it was also amazing because we had a huge yard, and I got to ride a tractor and mow the grass while belting out "Billy Don't Be a Hero" at the top of my lungs. I knew every single line. The 70s and 80s were an amazing time to be a kid, were they not?

We had a John Deere tractor, and our dog, Ernie, LOVED to help mow (as long as it didn't cut into his fornication time . . . he spawned countless illegitimate pups across the 'hood).

My sister has a great picture of Ernie on the tractor, but she can't find it. So basically, my sister sucks. But the tractor looked something like this:

not our actual tractor

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me, myself, and buffet

Hello, and happy Saturday!

Does this post title make you experience a bit of déjà vu? No worries. It doesn't last long, and it doesn't leave a rash or anything. 

You may be experiencing déjà vu due to the fact I shared a post called me, myself, and chair a couple years back. If you recall, I regaled you with the conversation I had with my wingback chair, which then led to a spot of trouble in which we became embroiled.

I'm here to tell you I've been communing with the furniture again.

Buffet and I have cohabitated for a very long time. In fact, we've been together longer than I've lived with any single human being. Twenty-seven years to be exact-ish. He came to me from my Grandma, who is no longer with us. Buffet lives on. But he's been looking increasingly shabby.

Buffet has been whispering inappropriate notions in my ear for quite some time. I'm normally able to ignore the voices in my head, but Buffet has been persistent.

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the cutest, sexiest shed of all time

Well, hello there! We haven't chatted in a while, so I thought I'd catch you up on a project Phil whipped up last summer during my little blog-cation.

We're not new to the shed-building business. Phil built a shed at our old house, but the only thing that made it cute and sexy was me.

Mmmm...mmm...MMMM!

Compared to our new one, the old one was a real piece of shed.

We decided to up our game at the new place. Actually, the covenants required us to up our game whether we wanted to or not. The shed had to be made of the same materials we used on the house. And since we didn't side our house with hubcabs (like I wanted), we decided not to do that with the shed, either.

But it was tempting.

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the hutch (or...g*#d@%%!# andi! part 2)

If you remember my original post about this sweet little hutch, you've been with me a very long time. I honestly don't know much about furniture, so I'm calling it a mid-century style hutch.

Is it a desk? Is it a hutch?

Oh, let's compromise and call him Dutch.

Hello All, meet Dutch:

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philosaurus rex: dinosaur hunter

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled lack of a post to bring you a very special edition of Philosaurus Rex: Dinosaur Hunter.

It was the morning following a dark and stormy night. No, really. It stormed so violently it snapped us back into a time when dinosaurs and Freddie Mercury roamed the earth.

Our fearless trapper braved the basement that morning for a little hunting and gathering. The tell-tale scraping upon our window glass told him he'd been successful in capturing his prey.

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andi's pantry project {part 4 - reveal!}

This is it. The big one. The one you have all been waiting for.

Well, I have anyway.

If you missed Part One, check it out HERE.
If you missed Part Two, check it out HERE.
If you missed Part Three, check it out HERE.

If you're looking for Part Four, you've come to the right place. I was planning to break this into two posts, because there is a TON of content.

But I've had death threats.

So get comfortable and read on. Want a sneak peek?

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the trellis of all time

Hello, my fellow delusionals! I'm so happy you're here, even though I do realize most of you are only here for Eddie. I can't say that I blame you.

Any time Philly or I come up with something far more fabulous and amazing than what our Visa card alone can provide, we call it the "blank" of all time.

For example, Eddie is the Schnauzer of all time.

Oh, my sweetness. Can you believe him???

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landscaping around the flag pole, Master Yoda, and ticks

Greetings! I hope you're all having a wonderful week. I was the lucky recipient of a colonoscopy recently, which is more fun than a tick infestation. (More on that later.) I love coming out of the anesthesia and discovering which random quote will fall from my numb, dry lips.

This one was Philly's all-time favorite. I clearly believed I was dying, so I raised my head ever-so-slightly and uttered, "But Master Yoda, you can't die..."

Obviously, I'm a Jedi Master.

You can't make that shit up.

Did you see my beautiful flag? And look at that amazing landscaping surrounding it. The way the parched, dried earth surrounds and embraces the dandelions? I'm awesome at gardening.

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F the cork monogram

Happy Friday!

I am far more skilled as a drinker of wine than I am as a crafter of crafts. In fact, I'm a firm believer that wine can only enhance the crafting experience, and, subsequently, the completed craft. I failed miserably at crafting as a kid (now we know why--the only wine to which I had access was Communion wine--no crafting going on then), and I haven't improved much through the ages of stretch marks and bunions. I have attempted two hang things for my front door and they both sucked. I can make quilts of my own design, I dabble in cross-stitch, but other than that, I'm useless.

When you're a wino, and you have a couple of wino sisters, you tend to acquire more corks than a teenager does pimples. That is, of course, after you graduate from the boxed wines to those bottle-shaped bottles that actually come with corks. Corks are a total bonus.

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andi's pantry project {part 3 - DIY concrete countertops}

Welcome friends! And a special welcome to all my new stalkers who found me through my recent post on Hometalk!

I know I left my Panties hanging, but they're back. And bigger and better than ever.

If you missed Part One, check it out HERE.
If you missed Part Two, check it out HERE.

Disclaimer: NOT a tutorial. At all. We had no idea what we were doing and still don't. Like, ever.

I was truly excited about this segment.

Am I the only one who thinks about worms when they hear the word segment? Or better yet, Tootsie Rolls. Wait. Dog poop! My friend Bliss has the best dog poop sign ever. I want to be Bliss when I grow up. But I find growing up elusive. I also seem to be unable to stay on task. Squirrel.

Here's where we left off. Doesn't it look awesome? It gets ugly in a minute.

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tailoring a bed skirt

Since the dawn of time, bed skirts have conspired to crush my soul. Oh, the lifting of the mattress, the positioning of the skirt, the replacing of the mattress. The intense physical combat. The sweating and the swearing. Well, I actually enjoy the swearing part.

We have an all-foam mattress which rests its weary flesh on a wooden frame that doesn't play well with bed skirts.

Here's an older picture of our room, and you can see the disaster that is the bed skirt. Frumpy and dumpy and grumpy.

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the long-awaited flag pole

Happy Monday! I know I've left you hanging on the pantry project, but we were infected with a sudden burst of Spring and were compelled to act upon it.

I've wanted a flag pole longer than there've been fishes in the ocean. There's just something about seeing Old Glory waving in the breeze that always brings a tear to my eye and a squeeze to my heart. I can't listen to the Star Spangled Banner being sung (well) without getting all choked up.

My research assistant (and resident hole digger) found just what we wanted. We purchased a telescoping pole and flag from Uncommon USA, Inc. The poles and flags are made here in the States (as they should be!).

The Hole Digger digs! I love watching a man work.

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ms. anonymous has a birthday!

It's my birthday! I thought I'd be a little self-defecating and show you some (mostly) horrible pictures of myself over the years and explain why I refer to myself as Ms. Anonymous. People simply have no idea who I am. Seriously. I'll see people I've known for years, and they'll show nary a flicker of recognition.

I'm going to blame it on my ever-changing hair and my varying degrees of fat content.  But mostly my hair. I don't want to discuss fat swings. My sparkling personality can't be the reason people forget me.

Let's start early. Looks pretty consistent so far. Except for that chipped tooth. Yeah, that helped adolescence. A lot.

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andi's pantry project {part 2}

First of all, if you're following me through your Blogger dashboard, you may need to go back and add me again. I recently switched to delusionsofingenuity.com (instead of blogspot.com) and I noticed I didn't show up in my feed anymore and had to re-add myself.

Of course, if you are following me that way, you're probably not seeing this post anyway.

Now that we have that taken care of that bit of nonsense...

Did you catch Part 1? No? Go check it out right now, you sillies. Andi's Panties are on fire!

Here's where we left off. This post is being brought to you by the letter L.

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andi's pantry project {part 1}

Greetings!

Here at Eddie's house, we call the pantry project "Andi's Panties." I thought better of using that as a title because of all of the Creepy People it would undoubtedly bring this way.

Welcome, Creepy People.

Nonetheless, that's what Phil has dubbed the pantry.

Normally, I like to wait until a project is close to being finished before I start posting about it, because I'm very aware of all the things I may have started and have never finished. But we're tearing through this like a herd of turtles, so I'm feeling confident.

You may recall the glorious state in which the pantry has existed for, oh, two-and-a-half years.

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sofa table update

Hey there! Do you ever go back to old posts and think, "I didn't drink nearly enough wine before I published that?"

My original post on this sofa table made that abundantly clear. It's a really old post that some of you may not have seen, so I'm putting it out here again with some new and amazing pictures.

Well, they're new.

Phil bought this beauty back in 1980-something while I was still wearing a training bra and shooting rubber bands out of my braces.

Phil is anti-painted-wood. But he's coming around.

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diy upholstered headboard

Welcome! This was a fairly simple DIY project, assuming you have a Kreg Jig and a drill. You also need to know how to use a Kreg Jig and a drill, or have someone who knows how to use a Kreg Jig and a drill and also happens to love you.

You also need scissors. And a schtapler. And duct tape. Wait a minute. Nope, no duct tape for this one. Oh! And an iron! I'll shut up now.

My tutorial skills are downright enviable, you know.  In fact, I would say they are on even par with Eddie's ability to keep his beard clean.

Allow me to illustrate:

Now that you have zero expectations, we can continue.

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happy 14th birthday eddie!

Today marks Eddie the Schnauzer's unofficial 14th birthday! I say unofficial because he was roughly two years old when we adopted him and, as of today, it's been exactly twelve years since he came to rescue us.

He did have teeth, once upon a time. And more fur.

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walk-in closet makeover {part two}

Hello all you lovely people who haven't given up on me! And welcome newcomers!

(If you missed part one, check it out HERE.)

There was some really big news that may have included this:

Grandnugget is due in September!

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walk-in closet makeover {part one}

I'm back! Wait. I'm back and no one told me. Why am I always the last to know?

I have some SUPER-CRAZY-AWESOME news at the end of the post, so you don't want to miss this!

But first things first. Eddie says hello! Because let's face it--he's the most important (and most entertaining) mammal on this blog.

Answer to Q1: No, I don't know what's on his ridiculous nose.

Answer to Q2: Yes, those are Phil's sexy legs in the background. He's washing dishes which makes them even sexier.

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