whoa, black cherry {bam-ba-lam}

Are y'all jammin' down now?  Awesome.

If not, let me help.

{Seriously...what is that bass player wearing?!}
 
Okay, put your weed and munchies away and let's get on with things.

Actually, I'm going to play that video one more time because it's so zippy.

I'm not going to dwell on the past, but if you recall, I got stuck with a bunch of crap doors because Menards refused to take them back.  I complained about that here and here.

But I've chosen to take my lemons and turn them into Whiskey Sours.

I wanted to do a really nice tutorial on how to stain new wood doors.  I have to revise the steps a bit because I have MasterCrap doors.

 Before I realized what I was getting into, I purchased some fabulous stain from the local woodworker's shop.

The stain is made in the USA by General Finishes.

It's called Whoa, Black Cherry.

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the grossest. thing. ever.

Have you ever bought those decorative bottles full of oil, vinegar, and assorted pickled foodstuffs to put in your kitchen because they're pretty and then you can pretend you're a gourmet chef?

You know of which I speak.

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there's a stranger in my house {eddie's first post}

Hi.  I'm Eddie.

My Mom's friend Janie Junebug lets her doggie Franklin write blog posts, so Mom decided to let me write one, too.

And it's a really important one! 

First off, here are some pictures of me so we can get better acquainted.

My Mom tells me all the time how cute I am and she's taken no less than 1 million pictures of me.

I don't have any teeth so it cracks her up when my tongue hangs out.

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shut the front door!

You know how they say a dog and his/her owner sometimes look alike?

 

source

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the kitchen {the farewell tour part 6}

This will be the final installment of the farewell tour.  I left the kitchen for last because it's the most important room in the house, right?

I know.  Men would argue the bathroom is more important.

I thought I was so cute.  And so SMART with that wallpaper.

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deciding the siding and biding the sliding with some chiding

WARNING (Danger, Will Robinson):

Picture- and yap-heavy.

We picked out our siding an age ago.  It might have been the Age of Aquarius.

And as we all know, the best-laid plans of mice and men often turn to crap-ola.

Deciding the siding:

I changed my mind from having 50 Shades of Taupe:

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fall monogrammed frame wreath

THIS POST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F

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the crap sandwich {delusional rant #3}

About a decade ago, my hubby picked me up for lunch and took me to Applebees.  I remember they had a brand-new sandwich on the menu.  It was a Philly Steak.  (I know...one of my favorite sandwiches is the Philly.  Crazy, right?)

Anyway, the sandwich was disgusting.  The "meat" looked and tasted like pieces of worn-out tires.  It was that bad.  

And the server disappeared.  So I ate my fries, and by the time the server returned, Philly was finished with his lunch, and it was time for me to get back to work.

We told the server how bad the sandwich was, and he offered to get me another one.

Now I ask you...why would I want an identical crap sandwich made from the same crap pieces of tire?

Thank you just the same; we would not like another crap sandwich.

He didn't offer to take anything off the bill...just said, "Oh...sorry."

I later sent an e-mail to Applebees and they were smart enough to do the right thing and sent me a gift card.  

They did what was expected to make it right with their customer.

Enter MENARDS.  Remember this post?  Yeah.  I filled out their "Guest Complaint Form" and explained exactly why their doors we purchased were crap.  I sent pictures of the veneer coming up.  I told them how dissatisfied we were with their product and we'd like to return the doors for a full refund.

We got a boilerplate letter from MENARDS:

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the day i wrestled five live anacondas

Crap.  Okay, they weren't really live.

And maybe they weren't really anacondas.

But there were 5 of them.  Honestly.

Remember the other day when I nearly died?  You know...death by bags of insulation?  I completely forgot to tell you about the other part of the day.

We don't have curbs and gutters in our new 'hood because we're in the "country."

And yet, we can't have chickens or llamas.

And I want llamas.  And chickens.  Cuz I love me some fresh eggs.  Chicken eggs, not llama eggs.

But maybe it's for the best since the anacondas would probably eat the llamas.  And the chickens.

And the eggs.

Anyway, we've decided to live ditch-free so we bought (5) 20-foot sections of black plastic culvert pipe to connect our driveway culvert with that of the next-door neighbor.

And we had to drag them off the shelf and shove them in my dad's trailer.  No mean feat.  I nearly died again.

Natch, I missed my photo op with all 5 anacondas in the back of the trailer.  And I wish I had video of the wrestling match.  It was epic.

But I did take some crap pics on my phone in the near-dark.

You're dying to see, I know...otherwise I'd have to feel foolish for even yapping about this.

Picture 3 more anacondas in here along with these 2.

Notice how they don't really fit in the trailer?  Yeah, that was fun.

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i am glute and bicep woman...hear me vomit

My Dad is a handy guy to have for a dad.  If he's not your Dad, too bad...you can't have him.  He has a Suburban and a ginormous enclosed trailer that we shamelessly borrow whenever we feel like hauling house crap around.

If you recall, we chose to hang the insulation bats in lieu of hiring a "professional."  And Phil decided to staple the hell out of his knee.

Anyway, Philly took Dad's rig to the box store of ill repute to pick up the blow-in insulation for our attic.  (It was on sale with a rebate, and until we hear they won't give us our door money back I guess we can still shop there.)

This is about half the load...I forgot to take a picture when the trailer was full.

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the pot filler, the vessel sink, and the butthead

First, the pot filler.  Or as we like to call it, "the pot sticker."  Because we can never call anything by its real name.

I did a kitchen post a while back and fessed up that I was NOT building the ever-popular white kitchen.

I had tons of compliments on the look I was going for.  And that's why I blog, plain and simple.  The ego stroke.

Here's a refresher on the basic kitchen look I'm going for:

source

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