Saturday, April 11, 2020

gracie chronicles vol. VII: the haircut

What the hell am I doing on this blog again?

I thought Mom turned in the keys to this old jalopy?

And what's up with this CornBread-19 thing? I personally love CornBread, but I've never been allowed to have 19 of them unless no one was looking. And I don't see what the fuss is all about, except it means my Hoomans are home constantly, and a girl can't get a decent haircut anymore.

Mom tried to do Eddie's hair once upon a time, but decided there are certain DIYs that she's not cut out for. You see what I did there? So, like an actual smart person, she donated the doggie clippers...about five minutes before the CornBread-19 thing started heating up. And my beauty shop shut down.

But I'm a hairy beast and I need some attention!

For the love of Dog. She bought more clippers. I'm doomed. 

Woof. I am Gracie.

Mom decided she would break this project into chunks because she's never cut my hair before and she thinks it's going to stress us both out.

What is she doing back there?

I'm pretty sure I'll end up looking like this.

Well, minus the penis.

You all just looked at his penis, didn't you.

Mmm...hmmm. You did.

I have to admit, I don't love baths. I've noticed the Hoomans haven't exactly been bathing regularly these days, either. Yet, they blame me for the smell around here.

Here I am looking like a hot mess while I work from home. At least I look better than Mom.

Mom gave me a bath and then set the noisy warm blow-y thing on me. She fired up the clippers and, I'm not bragging here, but I was PERFECT. No seriously. Mom and Dad kept telling me I'M SUCH A GOOD GIRL. No lie. I was super chill while Mom shaved me from my neck to my hoohaa, and then took the world's crappiest scissors to my skirt and back legs.

Then she quit. I guess she wanted to save some fun for tomorrow. 

Actually, I think she was just ready to commit some CornBread-19 Crimes.

So, here I lie, with half a haircut, feeling like The Most Interesting Dog in the World.

And then I begged for dinner early because I'd been SUCH A GOOD GIRL!!

Day 2: Mom has theoretically sobered up and is ready to finish what she started. How do you think this will turn out? Place your bets now; you've got another 2 minutes.

Today she has to do the front-end alignment--my face, chest, front legs, and anything else she missed along the way.

Did I mention she has the world's worst scissors? They are NOT doggie cutting scissors. I think she uses them on raw chicken. Which is DELICIOUS, by the way. Dad suggested she just use the clippers like scissors and it turned out brilliantly.

This is not my best haircut. But at least my back and ears are shaved, and I no longer have a hairy ass. Thank goodness she didn't try to express my anal glands. I'm drawing the line there.

At a glance, I look better.

Just don't look TOO closely...

I certainly smell better. Looks like I've got a little dangler from my beard, but that's nothing compared to Mom's.


And I look kinda pretty now, too!

Mom is off to make some deep-dish pizza now so I have to go. Mom won't stop cooking and baking. Of course, I get NOTHING. She and Dad get all the foods. Dad says he's fat and it feels like he's gained the freshman 15. Mom says they've both gained the CornBread-19. Whatever that means.

IN OTHER NEWS, Dad was doing the "scents-us" online, and when he got to the part about Mom, he said:

"Hey, I can never remember how to spell your middle name, 'Janelle.'"

Mom: "Yeah, well, my middle name isn't Janelle."

Dad: "Uhhhhh.................Fuuuu......"

Also Dead Dad: "So....what sounds good for dinner tonight?"

Mom: "Well, I thought I'd try out a new dish just for you. I like to call it Crushed Glass and Arsenic. You'll love it. And you won't have to share."

My Mom is SUCH A GOOD GIRL!!!!!


  1. Well hello Gracie thanks for tipping in. By the way you're looking really sharp your mom did a great job. So incredibly nice to hear from you.
    Stay away from all that cornbread 19 girlfriend.
    Be well and don't be a stranger!
    XO Christina in Florida

    1. Woof! Thank you! I'm trying to get Mom to feed me right now so bye bye!


  2. Gracie!! How wonderful to hear from you!! During your mom's long absence from this place, she should have at least let you have the 'puter once in a while! You ARE a GOOD GIRL and you look absolutely adorable with your new 'do! Keep in touch! Dona

    1. I'M SUCH A GOOD GIRL!! Mom's going to paint my toenails next!


  3. You are the most beautiful Gracie on four legs! Thinks of all the toys and raw chicken that can be bought with the money saved on your spa treatment. No doggie pizza though!? Dammit Janelle!

    1. I keep calling Mom this "Janelle" name and for some reason, she doesn't respond! Woofdammit!


  4. Well, Mom did a great job on your haircut and you do look beautiful. Mom getting rid of clippers right before they were home all the time...that's called Murphy's Law. ;)

    1. Don't let Mom fool's not that great of a haircut, but at least when I pee my diaper at night my hair doesn't get as soaked now because I don't have as much anymore. Thanks for visiting!



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