Thursday, December 5, 2013

that d@mn cat

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming of Stuff and Nonsense to bring you a very special episode of That Damn Cat.

I'm sure by now you're familiar with our Schnauzer, Eddie.  Yes, those are underwear he's nuzzling.  They were clean at the time.

You may not be familiar with his lesser-known furry sibling, Izzy.  Or Isabella.

Or, That Damn Cat.

Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.

This is a rare inside shot.  No, not her legs.  Izzy is an outdoor cat.  I know there are a lot of cat lovers out there who will probably be upset at the notion of a cat living solely outdoors, but I grew up in the country and my dad only tolerated cats for one reason:  to keep mice out of the barn.  And he liked to give them flying lessons (not really).  Outdoor cats were the only kind I knew.

Now that I've stated my disclaimer, I will tell you that Phil built Izzy a fabulous condo, fully insulated and heated.  She's lived comfortably with meals delivered daily (or so) for the past 11 years.

In those 11 years, she has used a minimum of 73 of her Nine Lives.

Here are some highlights.  At about age 1, she decided to take on the neighbor kids riding their 4-wheelers in the field behind our house.

She lost.

After a trip to the vet and a bazillion dollars later, she came home.  There was a fold-up baby crib, a lid for the crib, and a Cone of Shame involved.

She had broken her scapula and they thought they might have to amputate one of her front legs.  (I'm thinking another bazillion dollars.)

But Wily Izzy came through with no more than a crooked little paw out of the ordeal, and an excuse to be on disability and cat-food stamps.

About a year later, we went on vacation and hired the neighbor girl to take care of her.  That Damn Cat ran off.  She was gone a good 5 days by the time we got home.  I printed off some flyers, the kids hopped on their bikes, and 30 minutes later That Damn Cat was home.  They found her leeching off a neighbor about a mile up the road.  At least she didn't come home a crack whore.

Then there was the episode where a tornado struck about a mile from us.  We had severe high winds.  Phil swears he saw her fly off the deck.

I thought we were going to find her under the shed with only her little calico legs poking out, all curled up.  Then of course, her wicked sister (That Damn Cat of the West) would show up and take her vengeance.

Eddie would look something like this.  No need to be jealous of my photo-editing ability.

Then around Christmas a couple years ago, Emma came home from school and went out to feed her and found a gaping hole in her neck.  She'd gotten into a bar fight with one of the locals.

I found that picture.  I won't share.  You're welcome.

A trip to the emergency-room vet and another bazillion dollars later, she was all stitched up.  I didn't think she'd live to see the dawn.  (Or at the very least I thought she'd come back as a zombie-cat.)

Oh.  A lightbulb appears.

{And did I mention Izzy is a Murder Cat?
This link is freaking hilarious.
The part where the bird is asking the cat to kill it?
That Damn Cat truly did that.}

I know you want me to quit yapping, but this is the best part!

When we sold our house, we moved in with my folks in their dumpy trailer and brought Izzy (and her condo) to stay.  She bawled like a baby and peed the whole way over, per usual.  (Fortunately, we've wised up and only carry her in something solid and rubber-made rather than on an unprotected lap.)

Nothing says "I hate my life" quite like a car that reeks of cat urine.

That Damn Cat ran off.  Seriously, folks...we were never going to see her again.  Remember my parents live in the country?  Gone, baby, gone.

I held off telling Emma until just before Thanksgiving, because I thought That Damn Cat might come back (and I totally dreaded telling Emma).

She started e-mailing shelters all around the area.

Okay, remember a few weeks back when we had this tornado?

That Damn Cat (who disappeared BEFORE the tornado) managed to trek into town and she passed herself off as a tornado castaway to the rescue people who were searching for lost pets.

She probably whined and told them that she lost everything and she's homeless, and nobody loves me, everybody hates, me, I guess I'll go kill birds and leave them to die and not eat them.

She's a poser and an attention-seeking Damn Cat.

Yeah, hanging out in tornado wreckage was way better than staying with your family.

A shelter 30 miles away posted this picture:

And this picture:

After nearly a month on the lam, That Damn Cat is back.

And now there's a Damn Cat Part Deux.


  1. That d@mn cat is an evil genius, glad for Emma's sake she survived.

  2. I'm not sure where to begin commenting about that dam cat. Seriously, she's one tough cookie. And anyone that wonders if an outdoor cat is getting good care, well you don't live to be 13 in the cat world and not be well loved and taken care of. So I'm going to read about Murder Cat now.....

  3. OMG how hilarious. I have many cats. I am not sure exactly how many because they all live in the barn. I have tried so many times to keep them as house cats, going the whole 9 yards and declawing (I know who would do such a horrible thing-me to save my furniture) and actually getting all those extra curricular cat vaccines. They turn on me every time and since they cannot claw the furniture they pee and poo on it. Somehow they survive outside in our barn or they move to the neighbors and get their name changed. We have a similar protection program here for our neighbor's cats. ;-). They love it outside.They have all the cat food and mice they could ever want.

  4. OMG....omg, omg....I love it! I don't even know where to start..or finish. That was hilarious! You make my day...and always make me laugh! Thank you Andi!! ;)

    Have a great weekend!!

  5. You're never going to be rid of that cat!!! Haha! Wow, she has had quite the life! They should have a kitty Hunger Games or something, she could try out for it.

  6. If you want That Damn Cat to really and truly disappear, Harper can me it happen. Just sayin'.


    1. It's supposed to say "Harper can make it happen." I am so embarrassed. I think I'd better drink a bottle of wine to help me get over it.

  7. that cat!! wanted to be a rescue cat...just HAD to check out the damage! well at least she got an adventure out of it. darn cat.

  8. Andi!!! Our cat just went missing. this is very strange. First your new neighborhood loses power the second you bring Geni around, now your cat goes missing and mine hasn't been seen for a week now. I think you have some serious powers girl. Ummmmm...about shunning you because you don't like cranberries and know I was just kidding, right, girlfriend?

  9. That poor damn cat. It's not that she's used up so many of her lives, I think every mishap was another attempt at suicide. She can't even go into a WITLESS RELOCATION PROGRAM and run 30 miles away, using a tornado as an excuse, without being returned to the MONSTER MOM.

  10. She's smart. She knew that she'd get her picture posted and if you guys didn't find her someone else would take her in. I'm glad she's back home...even if you're not. ;)

  11. Sounds like she has munchausen syndrome, she just wants attention. Maybe she needs to live inside after all of that! LOL

  12. OMG, cats are funny, but I'm sooo glad I don't have one. My sister's cat was always sweet and indoors but in the last few years he was mouthy and bad tempered. She had to put him on Prozac!! Finally when she thought she'd go crazy the vet suggested she just out him outside... He is so much happier and they now love each other again. I hope she doesn't have to spend a bazillion dollars on him though :)

  13. I am not a cat person...that said, the story of her life is just too funny

  14. You must be so relieved to have her back! I feed three and half cats (long story). Two and half of them are always out, one had many health problems so I keep it inside at night, and I worry sick every time he's out, like right now!

  15. Oh that is hilarious! Thanks for the morning laugh. I need all the laughs I can get right now!

  16. This made me laugh. A lot. Especially Dorothy's shoes!

  17. No one can spin a tale like you. Really.

    That damn cat is beautiful! I was going to say you have a beautiful...

    Never mind.

  18. From my best friend, Andi F.

  19. You know...they say people get the pets they deserve......Eddie is obviously who deserves That Damn Cat? Hmmm....certainly not must be Philly....

  20. Oh my gosh! She totally has a Sarah Maclachlan rescue commercial soundtrack playing in her world.

  21. Oh my goodness! I can't stop laughing! You should write for a living! I can't wait to share your post and read them all myself! I love your DIY but your writing makes it that much better!


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