bleeding john deere green

Greetings!

Who remembers our sexy shed? You do? You, my friends, are marvelous!

I'd like to tell you about the wee beasties who live in the shed, but first, a little background.

I had an amazing childhood. This was mostly due to the fact I'm the youngest of six children, and by the time my parents got around to raising me, they were understandably exhausted.

But it was also amazing because we had a huge yard, and I got to ride a tractor and mow the grass while belting out "Billy Don't Be a Hero" at the top of my lungs. I knew every single line. The 70s and 80s were an amazing time to be a kid, were they not?

We had a John Deere tractor, and our dog, Ernie, LOVED to help mow (as long as it didn't cut into his fornication time . . . he spawned countless illegitimate pups across the 'hood).

My sister has a great picture of Ernie on the tractor, but she can't find it. So basically, my sister sucks. But the tractor looked something like this:

not our actual tractor

John Deere imprinted on me at a very young age.

Fast-forward to the mid-2000s and the invasion of the Orange Whore. Phil had a friend with with a down-on-her-luck Ariens tractor. He just HAD to pull her out of the slums and fix her up, and soon he became her very own Sugar Daddy.

not our actual orange whore

I was not amused. The Orange Whore had to go. And I didn't care where or how. I mean please. I can't even look at her. I burned all her pictures in a drunken rage after she was gone.

Thankfully, we had another friend who had another down-on-her-luck tractor. But this sweet ride was a classic 1965 John Deere round fender. And if you haven't figured it out yet, Phil is a genius at making old junk run again.

But life is dynamic, and when we bought the lot upon which we've built our dream home, we knew it was time to let the old girl go. We needed something that could handle a bigger yard and was easier to drive.

That's when all the trouble began. My dad has an Exmark commercial zero-turn mower (remember the huge yard?). He taught me how to operate it. And it's super-fun! But if you've ever operated a zero-turn, you know how much more difficult it is to control your beer can than it is on a traditional lawn tractor.

Phil stubbornly became impervious to my feminine mowing wiles and insisted on this instead. But it was still a Deere, which was the main point.

In the meantime, we also replaced our miserable Lawn Boy push mower with a baby Deere.

We nurtured and mowed our weeds for the next couple years, and the X300 was okay, but once our actual grass seed began to grow, so did my yearning for a zero-turn.

Oh, I sobbed and I whined and I badgered and I cajoled.

I didn't really sob or whine, but I did badger and cajole. In a most completely adorable and charming manner, no doubt.

Then one day, I saw Philly scanning Craigs List for John Deere zero-turns. Oh, it's happening, my friends!

And very shortly thereafter, we found our forever mower.

The neighbor drove by as Phil was detailing the new Deere (obviously not for these pictures). Naturally, he stopped and made note of the fact he now knows who wears the pants in the family. Phil promptly told him to shut up and leave because he had to go pick out his dress for church.

I absolutely know that I'm going to get in trouble for posting dirty pictures of the Deere(s).

But they're work Deere! The zero-turn mows the grass in half the time, which, on the surface, sounds great. But the problem resides in the fact it's SO DAMN FUN TO DRIVE! I no more than get started and the yard is finished.

It does give me ample time to contemplate some truly deep life questions, such as:

Why did I forget to wear my high-impact sports bra today in favor of my medium-impact?

How fast can I go without doing actual, real damage to my breast tissue?

Why am I a much better operator after having had a bottle of wine?

Why do my neighbors object to my mowing their yard? Their garden? Their cat? Their children?

How many ticks can suck my blood before one of them gives me Lyme disease?

The universe may never answer those questions for me, but I'm so happy in spite of that. Because I find myself, once again, singing the song of my childhood summers while riding on a John Deere.

And I still know every line.