Saturday, July 30, 2016

bleeding john deere green

Greetings!

Who remembers our sexy shed? You do? You, my friends, are marvelous!

I'd like to tell you about the wee beasties who live in the shed, but first, a little background.

I had an amazing childhood. This was mostly due to the fact I'm the youngest of six children, and by the time my parents got around to raising me, they were understandably exhausted.

But it was also amazing because we had a huge yard, and I got to ride a tractor and mow the grass while belting out "Billy Don't Be a Hero" at the top of my lungs. I knew every single line. The 70s and 80s were an amazing time to be a kid, were they not?

We had a John Deere tractor, and our dog, Ernie, LOVED to help mow (as long as it didn't cut into his fornication time . . . he spawned countless illegitimate pups across the 'hood).

My sister has a great picture of Ernie on the tractor, but she can't find it. So basically, my sister sucks. But the tractor looked something like this:


not our actual tractor

John Deere imprinted on me at a very young age.

Fast-forward to the mid-2000s and the invasion of the Orange Whore. Phil had a friend with with a down-on-her-luck Ariens tractor. He just HAD to pull her out of the slums and fix her up, and soon he became her very own Sugar Daddy.

not our actual orange whore
I was not amused. The Orange Whore had to go. And I didn't care where or how. I mean please. I can't even look at her. I burned all her pictures in a drunken rage after she was gone.

Thankfully, we had another friend who had another down-on-her-luck tractor. But this sweet ride was a classic 1965 John Deere round fender. And if you haven't figured it out yet, Phil is a genius at making old junk run again.



But life is dynamic, and when we bought the lot upon which we've built our dream home, we knew it was time to let the old girl go. We needed something that could handle a bigger yard and was easier to drive.

That's when all the trouble began. My dad has an Exmark commercial zero-turn mower (remember the huge yard?). He taught me how to operate it. And it's super-fun! But if you've ever operated a zero-turn, you know how much more difficult it is to control your beer can than it is on a traditional lawn tractor.

Phil stubbornly became impervious to my feminine mowing wiles and insisted on this instead. But it was still a Deere, which was the main point.


In the meantime, we also replaced our miserable Lawn Boy push mower with a baby Deere.


We nurtured and mowed our weeds for the next couple years, and the X300 was okay, but once our actual grass seed began to grow, so did my yearning for a zero-turn.

Oh, I sobbed and I whined and I badgered and I cajoled.

I didn't really sob or whine, but I did badger and cajole. In a most completely adorable and charming manner, no doubt.

Then one day, I saw Philly scanning Craigs List for John Deere zero-turns. Oh, it's happening, my friends!

And very shortly thereafter, we found our forever mower.


The neighbor drove by as Phil was detailing the new Deere (obviously not for these pictures). Naturally, he stopped and made note of the fact he now knows who wears the pants in the family. Phil promptly told him to shut up and leave because he had to go pick out his dress for church.

I absolutely know that I'm going to get in trouble for posting dirty pictures of the Deere(s).


But they're work Deere! The zero-turn mows the grass in half the time, which, on the surface, sounds great. But the problem resides in the fact it's SO DAMN FUN TO DRIVE! I no more than get started and the yard is finished.

It does give me ample time to contemplate some truly deep life questions, such as:

Why did I forget to wear my high-impact sports bra today in favor of my medium-impact?

How fast can I go without doing actual, real damage to my breast tissue?

Why am I a much better operator after having had a bottle of wine?

Why do my neighbors object to my mowing their yard? Their garden? Their cat? Their children?

How many ticks can suck my blood before one of them gives me Lyme disease?

The universe may never answer those questions for me, but I'm so happy in spite of that. Because I find myself, once again, singing the song of my childhood summers while riding on a John Deere.

And I still know every line.





32 comments:

  1. Copilot Eddie looks awesome in there, no doubt!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pardon me but.... OH HELL YEAH!!! You are the O N L Y person I've ever (not yet) met who actually knows this song!!! Yeah!! Love your Deere's.... yeah! Rock the yard girlfriend. :) Happy weekend and mow for me my friend! :)) ~ Christina in FL

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was almost john deer porn! LOL! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh, thanks a whole bunch for making me listen to that song...I will be stuck with that in my head for days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband hates that song, so thankfully, it's stuck in his head for days as well. =D

      Delete
  5. Oh Wow. My two littlest grandsons would love you. They LOVE John Deere tractors. They are 4 and 2 years old.
    When I'm walking with them they get so excited when they see John Deere tractors. There are lots of other ones too I don't know the make of them but there are red ones, blue ones. But it is only when the big John Deere goes by that they shout look, look.
    I love reading your stories they always make me giggle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sandra! Yes, only John Deere for me!!

      Delete
  6. Oh Wow. My two littlest grandsons would love you. They LOVE John Deere tractors. They are 4 and 2 years old.
    When I'm walking with them they get so excited when they see John Deere tractors. There are lots of other ones too I don't know the make of them but there are red ones, blue ones. But it is only when the big John Deere goes by that they shout look, look.
    I love reading your stories they always make me giggle.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You crack me up! We have a John Deere (GT version) mower we bought when we built a house on 10 acres, 2 of which was mowable. It's now 14 years old and still runs great with very little maintenance. However my neighbor has one of the zero turn babies like you and I will say I'm jealous every time I watch her mow, it just looks like so much more fun! Enjoy your new baby!

    ReplyDelete
  8. oh my lord!! my laughter is roaring through this holler! I am sure the neighbors are sittin on their coffee porch sayin there she goes again scaring the critters with her laughter. to early for that cackle! I too have green and yellow runnin in my veins! lov me some JD!! uh huh! thanks for your wit this morning...i needed that!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome! Nothing makes me happier than making someone laugh until the neighbors think they're nuts!!

      Delete
  9. If you weren't compensated by JD you certainly should be! If I had a yard to mow, I'd be right out there getting my own and it would be just like yours! Unfortunately, in AZ, our yards are mostly rock. Not natural rock, the put-there-on-purpose kind. And the people I know that have lawn could probably sit in one spot and mow the whole thing with that baby! And thanks so much for the music! This is one I know, but was never on my hit list. I was into heavier rock by this time. But I enjoyed it just the same. You are so entertaining in SO many ways!! Dona

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Dona! I always love hearing from you! No compensation from JD, but I'll keep looking for it in the mail ha!

      Delete
  10. I am quite sure the neighbors don't know what to think!! I am howling my head off! There is not ONE line in this post that has not made me laugh. I truly did not consider there might be another soul out there who could listen to that song 750 times and not tire of it. As for the John Deere, I didn't get to cut the lawn with one till I was married and had my own large patch of earth. However, I can tell you that I claimed the yard mowing chore for life and GOT it! NO ONE dared to touch "my" John Deere! Oh, Heavens, you have made my Sunday! Maybe even my week! I just love reading porn on Sunday with my cup of coffee!! Have a good one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is awesome! We both love Billy AND John Deere! I do, occasionally, let Phil mow the yard, but not very often. =D

      Delete
  11. I want to come mow your lawn. I'm the official lawn care pro at our house, and I've been known to mow the neighbors. But I don't have a nice a ride as you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You can come mow my yard, I think you'll be more fun to watch than our current crew. Bring Eddie, too!
    I never knew anyone named Billy to harrass with that song until I marrried Magoo and he had an old friend named Billy. What a happy day. Poor guy was tortured by it for years before I came along, so I let him off easy. Just one chorus, one time. Ok, maybe twice. Now next time you mow, double wrap those boobies, Andi. Two sports bras and an X off duct tape down the middle should let you roll at full speed! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. Just dropped by to say hi and have to say I was pleased with myself when I read the words John Deere and thought lawn care and was right

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jo-Anne! I've missed you! I'm glad you stopped by and saw my new JD. =D

      -andi

      Delete
  14. Hey, I grew up on a large farm in Iowa, and I know that "NOTHING runs like a Deere"!! lol All you need now is a seat for Eddie to mow along with you. I expect we will be reading about that addition in the near future, right?!? I know my Harry Potter Mini Schnauzer would want that! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG, Eddie would shit his fur if we tried to get him on the tractor! Phil tried that once (several years ago) and there was NO WAY that little dog was going to ride along! He's got different priorities...like napping. =D

      Delete
  15. You make me laugh so hard. I need you. I need you to make me laugh everyday. I guess I can go back and read old posts that I missed or have forgotten because of my de . . . demons . . . no, that's not the word. I know it starts with dem and lots of people in the nursing home had it. I am the youngest of six kids and never got to do a g.d. thing because Mother always said I wouldn't do it right, which led to all the older kids hating me because I didn't do my share of the work, but whose fault was that? Now you understand the trauma that was my childhood, and I hate Billy Don't Be A Hero, but I suppose it was a catchy tune for a little kid. When I lived in Illinois, I would have mowed our huge yard if I had a fun mower like you have (and a little something to drink). But the old fart wouldn't let me mow because I wouldn't do it right. Do you sense a pattern here that Janie can't do anything right? I remember your sexy shed. How could I forget it? In Illinois we had a three-bay garage and a garage/shed in the backyard. Then we had a huge driveway. The Chauffeur had no trouble finding space for all the cars. My nickname is Chauffeur. Betcha didn't know that.

    Love,
    Janie, who never got to mow and drink so she drives and drinks

    ReplyDelete
  16. I laughed all the way through this. I have a tiny pushmower and it still only takes me 25 minutes to do my whole lawn. Most of that is getting around the hydrangea that 'someone' stupidly planted right in the middle of the front yard.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I read the whole article waiting to hear about the 'wee beasties' that live in your shed! Chipmunks? Mice? What?

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOL When we sold our house, our JD went with it. Oh well, we don't have the acreage we had anyway, but hubby misses his tractor.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks to your post I realised two things: how small my garden is, since I only own a small electric mower and how small my breasts are since the first question you ask yourself is one that never cross my mind. So I learnt a lot today!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for making my day! Ever consider onstage comedy?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you for making my day! Ever consider onstage comedy?

    ReplyDelete
  22. BAHAHAHA, I cannot stop laughing! I have never seen a John Deere before I moved to IA, but it does sorta burn it's way into your memory. I now live in the dessert and removed all grass in favor of rocks...so I will live vicariously through you and your adventures on the green beast. ;)

    ReplyDelete

SAY SOMETHING! You know you want to.