Sunday, January 12, 2014

dirt is the new clean

I figured I'd better brave the basement and write a post.  Phil's birthday is on Tuesday and I know he still hasn't ordered me a new laptop yet. So here goes.

Dear Dyson,

My new floor is beautiful, but it's a maintenance rhinoceros.  I realize once we've finished constructing, have grass in the yard instead of La Brea Tar Pits, and stop having mud wrestling matches in the family room, the dirt situation will improve.

Look.  I can draw sand hearts on my floor.  It's just like being on the beach.

No it's not. 

Even after using a broom to pick up the big chunks (the broom leaves all kinds of fine dusties), the Swiffer is useless.  It just pushes everything around and into my cracks.

Then I bought this microfiber-finger-thing.  It works better, but only for maintaining the dust situation after having first swept with a broom, then having gotten on my hands and knees and manually wiping and drying every square inch of my floor.

Something I'm not dying to do again.

Once upon a time I had carpet.   My wonderful husband got me a refurbed Dyson Animal and it's the bomb.  Not only does it do a fine job on carpet, it also works exceedingly well on subfloor.  Did you know that?  I Animaled every bit of subfloor prior to putting down underlayment.  It also survived my son's trailer full of cat litter.  (Although he nearly didn't.)  That sucker is a beast.

Or at the very least an Animal.

But now I have this laminate floor (which is NOT as durable as they'd have you believe) and I'm longing for this:


Ooooohhhhh it makes my heart go pitter-pat.  Mostly because of the pretty color, but also the whole lightweight, cordless, Dyson part of it.

Do you think those brushes would be soft enough for my if-you-drop-a-nail-clipper-it-will-gouge-your-floor floor?  My friend Marianne has one and she loves it.  I think she sleeps with it.

Oh, and judging by the size of the paw prints in my back yard, I have a cougar (not me) on the premises.

This is not the type of Animal I was hoping for.

I would love to have an affair with your beautiful piece of equipment.  What do you say Dyson?  Can you help a girl out?  Because not only am I most likely not getting a new laptop for Phil's birthday, I know he's not getting me one of these either.

Love, Me.

Love me love me love me....


  1. I hope Dyson listens better to you than the liquor companies do to me.

  2. LOL, I just hate sweeping dust into flooring cracks.

  3. Ummm...I did not love it. I've had four Dysons and this one works well, but the battery only lasts about 10-12 minutes. That is only enough time for me to do a couple of rooms and then wait, wait and wait to recharge. I have the yellow handheld for small jobs...same issue. It drives me insane. Can't even finish the staircases with either one. If you are using it for a small area, you'll love using it for your 10 minutes! Come on Dyson...give me 20 minutes at least!
    Feel free to send one to Andi just to prove me wrong- I dare you!

    1. Tina - if you switch off from max power, it lasts 20 minutes! Which is really all the attention span I have for cleaning....

  4. Welcome to the complicated life of a remodelator! Don't worry, after a few months, you don't even notice the dust anymore!
    And what about getting Phil a Dyson thingy for HIS birthday?

  5. I could tell you I feel your pain, and all but that would be a lie, since I have always had carpet and I love carpet we have it pretty much everywhere except the kitchen but I wouldn't mind it in the kitchen had it in the kitchen years ago wouldn't mind it again mainly because I suck at washing the kitchen floor.

  6. Maybe you should just go ahead and gouge the floors and then replace them. Is there some way your homeowner's insurance would pay for it?


  7. You do know "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission", right?

  8. Oh bugger! Tint it red and pretend you're in the outback ;)

  9. So Phil's a Cappy too?. My birthday is mañana. Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us, happy birthday dear Phil and Doreenoooo, happy birthday to us,

    Now, if you ask real nice, I'll send a letter to Dyson on your behalf. I am, after all, a very influential person.

  10. Oooh, it'd be nice if they sent you one and also one to do a giveaway with!! :) I really hope the battery lasts longer, though... that would def. be something to check out first.

  11. You've got some GREAT comments and ideas up there!!! Personally, I like Danni's.."It's better to ask forgiveness than permission." Is that not brilliant? And Doreen! Happy Birthday girl! My b-day is today, too!! We Cap's are SO cool, aren't we? And Happy, Happy to Phil tomorrow!!! Oh, yes,, I haven't forgotten you. After all, YOU wrote the post, right? Advice? I'd give you Carrie's. Best I can do with no music.

  12. Dallas has been running more, and keeps telling me he needs all this special equipment, should a cougar jump out and try to get him. And in my head it's never a wild animal attacking him - It's a 50 year old woman in yoga pants and a bedazzled sun visor. :/

  13. i have the dyson animal and i too have a serious love affair with my it. my mom is getting the cordless one this weekend actually, she has read 800 reviews and she's sold! also, I feel you on the dust thing, when we first moved in there was dust everywhere....for months...

  14. Haha…isn't it sad that we get more excited about vacuums than jewelry? I'm with you, though…getting rid of dirt is a major deal! Great blog!

  15. I adore my Dyson upright, and swoon over this cordless version's commercials. Dear Dyson: I want one, too. (I'm sorry to piggyback on your request.)

  16. You could bring back an old trend and call it the latest in decor. Remember the the dirty, heroin chic look from the 90s....I'm thinking you embrace heroin chic for floors. You are so IN. Everyone will want to be you. In fact, I think I'm just going to embrace the look myself. No more sweeping and mopping for me. It'll be the burn your bra revolution for floors! DIRTY FLOORS FOR ALL!!! wow. :) think I got a bit excited there.

  17. Sorry to hear about the dirt in your crack(s). I still love you :)

  18. How sweet, hearts in the sand! ;)
    Hope you get your Dyson for Phil's bday!! lol


  19. Remember those old fashioned ratty looking dust mops that our moms (or grandmas) used? I have one hanging in my garage. For sale, cheap.

  20. Can't you just buy Phil a Dyson for HIS birthday???
    He'd probably love it LOL
    WHAT kind of animal is lurking around your back yard - scary -
    Unlike the skunk that comes out every night and sprays around mine :)

  21. You have dust, I have pet fur. You can't believe what huge dust bunnies can grow in just two days! I used to vacuum every stinkin day, but I just don't have time for that anymore. Hey Dyson, how does that cordless work on pet fur?

    On the cougar subject, maybe you ought to buy Phil a gun! Yikes...those are some big kitty prints. Although the state denies it, cougars are making a comeback here and it makes taking walks in the woods a little scary now! They like to sit in trees and drop down on their victims. So far I don't think there have been any human attacks, but it is just a matter of time. =O

  22. Oh my! I can feel your pain there. Floors, especially wood and laminated floors can be a total headache to clean, especially if there are a lot cracks in between each plank. Simply sweeping over them will not solve the problem and having to get down on your knees just to scrub them off is very difficult. If at all possible, maybe you should consider getting a sweeper.
    German Zollinger


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