Friday, August 7, 2015

i'm so glad you cuss

If you have delicate sensibilities and the F-Bomb is hopelessly offensive to you, turn your ship around now.

the story of c"us"s

You may recall a post from two years ago when I impressed you with some wedding stuff because it was our 14th adversity day.  If not, here's a taste.  Yes, we're classy.





Today is our 16th adversity day.  If you were paying attention, you would have noticed I skipped right over number 15.  I'm lazy.

I've seen so many sweet, poignant stories about how my fellow bloggers met their Honeys and fell in love.  I am therefore compelled to share ours.

However, ours is probably more pungent than poignant.  And it not only involves a swear word, but THE swear word.  Let's go.


I ran into an old high-school boyfriend at a bar.

A bar?  This is starting off well.

I use the term "boyfriend" loosely since we only dated a month and he dumped me because I wouldn't put out.  Then I had to chase him down and call his mother just to get my class ring returned.  He also left me stranded at a Christmas party and Elvis had to drive me home.  But I digress.*

I asked him if he knew any nice guys to introduce me to.

Why am I asking this a-hole?

He said, "YES!"  I have just the guy...in fact, he's here with me at this bar right now!

And he's a used-car salesman!

Oh. My. Gawd.

In point of fact, Mystery Guy (MG) had already left.  They were all there for a bachelor party and MG had bugged out.

I had no good excuse for still being at the bar.

Anyway, HSB (high-school boyfriend) promised me he would get in touch with MG and have him call me.  In the meantime, he said, "Hey!  You know this guy...he's the dude who ran over your friend Julie!"

It just keeps getting better.

A few years previously, my friend Julie was running.  At night.  On a very dark road.  In dark clothing.  With headphones on.  Idiot.  And yes, MG nearly killed her.  Only he's such an ace driver, he didn't.  If anyone else had been driving that car, I have no doubt Julie would be dead today.  Probably tomorrow too.  MG did some seriously skilled driving and only grazed her fanny.

He's such an ass......man.

Days go by and I don't hear from either MG or HSB.  Naturally, HSB completely let me down and never even told MG about this smokin' hot babe he never screwed in high school and who was interested in a date.

What to do?

Of course I called Julie.  She didn't have MG's number, but she knew his name. Naturally, his number was unlisted.

BUT!

MG's ex-wife was listed in the phone book!
(You know where this is going, right?)
You just have to know Julie.
She has bigger cojones than a bull on mating day.

She called MG's ex-wife and asked for his number.  Then she called MG and gave him my number.

And he finally called me.  At 10:30 on a school night.

Catch of the day.

Philly and I talked until 2:00 a.m.

We got the preliminaries out of the way.
Do you have kids?  Yes.
Do you want more?  No.
Have you slept with Julie?  No.
Neither had Phil.

After we discovered neither of us wanted more kids or had slept with Julie, we decided a date was possible.

We talked some more and covered lots of important stuff.  Like the fact I gained a million pounds when I was pregnant.  I had to wear an orange triangle at all times and I beeped when I walked backwards.

The subject took an ugly turn as the size my maternity jeans became apparent.

At that point, Phil decided to throw caution to the wind and put it all on the line.  Either I was going to like him the way he was, or I wasn't...and then we wouldn't have to waste each others' time.

He referred to my jeans as "BFJs."

"BFJs?" I queried.

Phil:  "Big Fuckin' Jeans."

Me:  {silence}

At this point Phil is certain he has to cut and run.  He KNOWS he's screwed the pooch by dropping the F-bomb while insulting the size of my fat, pregnant ass.

Then a miracle occurred.... 

Me:  "I'm so glad you cuss."


I'm pretty sure that wasn't the response he was expecting.

So there you have it.  Philly and I bonded over the F-word.

You tell me how many other love stories have origins like that.

And since it seems to be customary to make a craft to commemorate our imprinting, this just happened:


And someday this bad boy is going to grace our gallery wall.  If I ever get a round tuit.

I must say my farewell because I have a bottle of Pinot Grigio calling my name. Who am I kidding?  It's been calling and I've been answering for the past hour.

But we're off to celebrate our 16th adversity day.

Cheers!

*Just so you know, HSB is a very good friend despite the fact everything I said above is true. He attended our wedding and we attended his.  His recessional hymn was The Imperial March, which makes him my hero. 




18 comments:

  1. Wow!!! If they turned that into a movie Id totally watch it. Have a great night xx

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  2. Move over Harry and Sally, there is a way better romance in town!!!

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  3. 'Bout time. Aren't you glad I got you off the crapper?

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  4. Holy quap! You're back!!! Missed you crazy lady. Not because I like you or anything, but I really didn't like being known as the blogger who cursed the most and has the least amount of class. Now I hand the button back to you OH GREAT ONE!

    Oh, and I hate to break it to you, but I think our love story has even less class than yours. The only thing I'm gonna say about that is it involves another 'F' word. ;)

    Welcome back, and you better stick around. I need the laughs.

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  5. Wait a minute, this love story failed me, neither of you slept with Julie? Whatever. She is one good friend to call Philly's ex, and good on the ex for giving up the digits. Now, it's your anniversary, go get some...pinot. What were you thinking?

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  6. Wait a minute, this love story failed me, neither of you slept with Julie? Whatever. She is one good friend to call Philly's ex, and good on the ex for giving up the digits. Now, it's your anniversary, go get some...pinot. What were you thinking?

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  7. You are just what I needed tonight!! I have missed you....although I haven't really looked for you or anything since I've been on a blog sabbatical myself. But sometimes the right thing just jumps up and smacks you right in the kisser! That would be you....I have no interest in Philly....or Julie for that matter......just sayin'

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  8. 8/8/15 Happy belated Altercation Day. Tell you Phil, that my Phil called all ya'll pottymouths.

    We're happy you have each other! My mamma always said, "Marriage is like making waffles. Sometimes you have to throw the first one away."

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  9. 8/8/15 Happy belated Altercation Day. Tell you Phil, that my Phil called all ya'll pottymouths.

    We're happy you have each other! My mamma always said, "Marriage is like making waffles. Sometimes you have to throw the first one away."

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  10. 8/8/15 Happy belated Altercation Day. Tell you Phil, that my Phil called all ya'll pottymouths.

    We're happy you have each other! My mamma always said, "Marriage is like making waffles. Sometimes you have to throw the first one away."

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  11. I've missed you! When people ask how you guys met, there's really no short answer lol...that's hilarious! Happy Adversity Day!! 😊

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  12. Well, you'd love me. I cuss like a sailor on shore leave after finding out there's a hooker strike. Joe never cusses. He had to get used to a lot when he married me, but he's recently learning to use the correct cuss word with the correct situation. It's all about class.

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  13. Well I am trying to give it up..cussing that is..but I enjoyed the heck outta your darn story...:-)

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  14. So all I need to do is go to a bar where my former high-school boyfriend drinks and I get to meet a MG? Too bad my former HSB lives somewhere in the US and me somewhere in Brittany... I could go to a bar in Brittany just in case HSB decided to spend some holidays here...

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  15. BAHAHAHA That's probably the best "How we met" story I have ever heard! Thanks for sharing your BFG's, HSB'S and MG's with us and cheers to Philly's ex for passing him on to you for a blissful union. Happy 16th and to many more.

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  16. I loved your story and I'm glad you cuss!!!

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  17. I swear like a damn sailor, I'm telling you.

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