Saturday, January 14, 2017

gracie chronicles vol. II: table dancer

"I've been taking up every spare moment of Mom's time."

This is the lie Mom wants me to tell you so you're not mad at her for being absent from the interwebs since before December. Instead, she wants you to blame ME for her truancy. Moi. Gracie. Because I'm a dog, and she doesn't think I'm capable of revealing that lie to you gracious and kindhearted folks.

Oh. And she's going to force me to tell you a couple stories I'd rather not discuss.

Because they made me get in trouble.

Woof. I am Gracie.

But first things first. If you read my last post, you'll know I had a broken bladder, and every time Mom and Dad would leave, I was locked in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning.

I had a urinary tract infection to complement the bladder and kidney stone troubles that most likely caused my last people to dump me.

But Mom and Dad have taken me to the vet ad nauseam, and I'm finally in perfect condition.

I'm up to my full weight, and even my breath is smelling better! Which is good, because Mom insisted on calling me Our Lady of Halitosis. Dad told me it's because I'm a saint and wear a Halo, but I think he's lying to make me feel better.

So. The trouble.

Since I wasn't peeing in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning anymore, Mom and Dad let me have the run of the house while they went Christmas shopping. Apparently they trusted me not to get up on the kitchen table during their absence. Their trust was grossly misplaced.

It was Mom's fault. She's the one who left the candy dish up there. It was more temptation than I could bear.

Mom was so shocked (and perhaps a little pissed) when they got home that she didn't even think to take pictures until after she started cleaning up the carnage. She did, however, snap a shot that proves I paraded across the table.


And a caramel I didn't quite finish before they caught me.

Some of the candies were wrapped in gold-colored foil, so for the next few days, every time I pooped, Dad called me The Dog Who Laid the Golden Turd.

Aren't they hilarious? I don't think so either.

I also don't think it's funny I was back to being locked in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning until after all the Christmas stuff was taken down.

Then, finally, glorious freedom! And guess what I did on my first day of liberation? I made this beautiful artwork for my Mom!

Mom did not frame it and hang it on the fridge.

But at least I only got locked in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning for one more day. 

They gave me sweet freedom again, and so far, I've been perfect.

In other news, Mom thinks it's hilarious that I've been teaching my Hippo how to do Yoga. Her favorite pose is downward dog (naturally).

I think Hippo displays this pose beautifully, don't you?

In other OTHER news, today is Dad's birthday! 

Help. He's choking me.

Oh! And Happy New Year to you all!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to create my Tinder profile.


  1. You crack me up! So happy to hear Gracie is feeling better. She sure got lucky to find a good home with you.

    1. I'm happy I crack you up! That's always my goal =D

  2. How does Philly keep his whiskers so nice and silver and Gracie has to deal with brown roots?

  3. Gracie, it's difficult to be a good dog, sometimes, isn't it? Have a great year, have fun and please, make more art work, it's hilarious!

  4. Another January birthday! We Capricorns are good people! Happy B-Day! Sweet girl! Loved reading your post, Gracie. I'm glad to see you looking so perky! In previous pics, you always looked a little down, no doubt from the pain you were in. So glad you are up and at 'em and keeping mom and dad on their toes!!! Dona

    1. We have four January birthdays in our little family!!

  5. Gracie....a true artist you are! So sweet. Happy Birthday Gracie's Dad! Cheers

  6. I am so glad you are finally in tip-top shape. Now don't get in any more trouble--LOL! :)

  7. Ohhh!!big trouble! At least she's not eating the toilet paper like my folk's dog. Ginger has been a model citizen. We don't have to keep her in lock down, but still don't let her have leave of the house if we're not around. Oh well. Didn't know doggy anxiety was a real thing.

  8. Oh Gracie I would be somewhat pissed if you did that in this house, just saying

  9. Thanks for the great, out loud, laugh! Perhaps, I should get the big, heavy, crystal candle holder that Clara Jane (the cat) broke today out of the garbage and blame her for my absence from blogging. Hmmm Happy Birthday to the dog choking dad!

  10. Happy birthday, O Dad of Golden Turd Dog!

  11. Well, say you've been keeping mom and dad busy is an understatement at best.
    I can't really say that I blame you for stealing those caramels or those golden wrappered candies, either. I have been known to pull a stunt like that myself. But girlfriend- you have to clean up before mom and dad get home. Tell your dad happy birthday and be a good girl for your mom. I'm glad you're feeling better, sweet face.

  12. This totally made me laugh! Happy New Year to all of you!

  13. Aww, so cute! And I had a dog once who loved to make artwork like that. I'm not sure why dogs like to tear up paper! They do seem to outgrow it. You could hand my dog a roll of toilet paper and she'd just look at it like, "What do you expect me to do with that?"

  14. Yes, shelter dogs are the best, but they usually come with expensive little problems. I wouldn't trade my dog for anything, but sometimes . . . You have a good attitude about the dog shenanigans, she is so sweet.


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