"I've been taking up every spare moment of Mom's time."
This is the lie Mom wants me to tell you so you're not mad at her for being absent from the interwebs since before December. Instead, she wants you to blame ME for her truancy. Moi. Gracie. Because I'm a dog, and she doesn't think I'm capable of revealing that lie to you gracious and kindhearted folks.
Oh. And she's going to force me to tell you a couple stories I'd rather not discuss.
Because they made me get in trouble.
Woof. I am Gracie.
But first things first. If you read my last post, you'll know I had a broken bladder, and every time Mom and Dad would leave, I was locked in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning.
I had a urinary tract infection to complement the bladder and kidney stone troubles that most likely caused my last people to dump me.
But Mom and Dad have taken me to the vet ad nauseam, and I'm finally in perfect condition.
I'm up to my full weight, and even my breath is smelling better! Which is good, because Mom insisted on calling me Our Lady of Halitosis. Dad told me it's because I'm a saint and wear a Halo, but I think he's lying to make me feel better.
So. The trouble.
Since I wasn't peeing in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning anymore, Mom and Dad let me have the run of the house while they went Christmas shopping. Apparently they trusted me not to get up on the kitchen table during their absence. Their trust was grossly misplaced.
It was Mom's fault. She's the one who left the candy dish up there. It was more temptation than I could bear.
Mom was so shocked (and perhaps a little pissed) when they got home that she didn't even think to take pictures until after she started cleaning up the carnage. She did, however, snap a shot that proves I paraded across the table.
And a caramel I didn't quite finish before they caught me.
Some of the candies were wrapped in gold-colored foil, so for the next few days, every time I pooped, Dad called me The Dog Who Laid the Golden Turd.
Aren't they hilarious? I don't think so either.
I also don't think it's funny I was back to being locked in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning until after all the Christmas stuff was taken down.
Then, finally, glorious freedom! And guess what I did on my first day of liberation? I made this beautiful artwork for my Mom!
Mom did not frame it and hang it on the fridge.
But at least I only got locked in The Room Where Dad Poops Every Morning for one more day.
They gave me sweet freedom again, and so far, I've been perfect.
In other news, Mom thinks it's hilarious that I've been teaching my Hippo how to do Yoga. Her favorite pose is downward dog (naturally).
I think Hippo displays this pose beautifully, don't you?
In other OTHER news, today is Dad's birthday!
Help. He's choking me.
Oh! And Happy New Year to you all!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to create my Tinder profile.