Tuesday, August 13, 2013

how to cut insulations batts and shove staples in your knee

I'm not an expert.  I don't even play one on TV.  And this isn't a very good tutorial but there is some trauma and hilarity involved.

So if you're even the tiniest bit squeamish, I give you fair warning.

Anyway!  Philly's kind of a genius and he got me all set up to be useful.  I like being useful.  It makes me feel...useful.

We're working on stapling up insulation.  That means I cut and Philly staples.  It also means that I get sweaty and stinky and covered in fiberglass.

I did learn a few things though.

It's MUCH easier to cut insulation with the fluffy side up and the kraft-paper side down.

First, Philly screwed down a piece of OSB right onto our existing subfloor.  That's pretty darn cool.  I wouldn't recommend doing this on your current living room floor.  You might end up having to buy a new floor.  Of course, if you're looking for an excuse to get a new floor, then by all means, proceed.

The pieces needed to be exactly...um...I forget how long exactly, but we measured that, marked it on the board, then lined up the mark with the subfloor seams. 

Like this:

This made it SO easy...I was a mini-insulation-batt-cutting factory I was.

I also learned when you cut the pieces lengthwise, it's WAY easier to hold down the "skinny" side with your level.

I'll show you how NOT to do it:

Yay!  The first wall is finished!

But let's get to the trauma and hilarity.

Before our heroes reached this level of accomplishment, Philly struggled and fought (and may have uttered a few colorful curse words that would have sent our neighbors straight to kick us out of the association) with the stapler.


About every 3rd staple jammed and just about the time I got his mouth washed out with soap, another jam occurred.
At this point he had more staples on the floor than in the stapler.

Do you know where this is going?

As our gallant Hero #1 knelt down to staple the bottom of the insulation to the stud, he yelped like Hero #2 has never heard before.

Yes, Hero #1 jammed a section of staples right into the meat under his kneecap.

These bloody staples:

Hero #2 did what any devoted wife would do.  She ran like a madwoman for the camera.

And the first-aid kit.  But before bandaging up this vampire-esque wound:

...she gave Hero #1 a towel to staunch the flow.

After applying neosporin and a band-aid, Hero #1 felt it wouldn't stick to his sweaty leg.  So Hero #2 applied the bloodied towel like a tournequet to hold the band-aid in place.  

But no...that will never do.

I'd like to introduce you to Cracker Jemima:

He/she (androgynous??) is the new hero of the day.  I'm quite shocked that Philly actually allowed him/her to exist.  But I guess he's finally learning the value of photo ops.

And I left the neosporin unattended and it attempted escape.
Or one of us stepped on it.

Anyway, Hero #1 is doing much better, although he did have one more profuse bleeding episode that day.

And don't think it's a coincidence that the author of this blog is #2.
Because I am quite a turd.

Because after this incident, Philly bought a new (electric) stapler.

And I asked if it would shoot staples into his knee.

In other news, Philly later read the instructions on the insulation and the batts are actually perforated at the exact length we needed to cut them.



  1. Ok I have to say this but I would suck at this task cutting is not something I am good at can't cut in a straight line as I don't have a straight eye. I also would knee on the staples and get them embedded in my knee and would cry like a baby while they were removed and then I would bleed and bleed and bleed a bit more because that is how I roll

    1. He bled like a stuck pig...then squirted a bunch more blood later...eyewww...

  2. LMAO!!! First of all, love that you grabbed your camera! Second, I went through two rolls of bubble wrap cutting each section with the dullest scissors on the planet, as I needed it to wrap dishes and whatever the last time I was moving and guess what? It's perforated! Sometimes we're not so bright, eh? Love cracker Jemima! XO

  3. Pre-perfed...LMAO!!! I think that you are way too pretty to be cutting insulation my dear.

  4. OMG you guys are having such fun building your new home! Hope you both live through it!!

  5. hey the home was not really built by your own blood sweat and tears if it doesnt really happen right? ;)

  6. Ok I can't say you didn't warn me - but wish I'd skipped the bloody parts - gross!!!!!!!
    Poor Phil!
    But I would have felt sicker had it been you ( I have my favorites you know - sorry Phil )

  7. Poor Philly, I really can imagine what I would say so I completely don't care if he upset your new neighbors. I would have used more "colourful" language had I been cutting and found them pre perfed omg you poor thing. Looks great though xo

  8. Sometime I might post about when my husband came hopping out of a bathroom project saying he was going to the doctor. When I asked why he said he nailed his pants to his knee.

  9. LOL!! We have built two houses and remodeled three......there are ALWAYS stories to tell! Glad you found the perforations in the batts, cute work gloves, electric staplers are the bomb, glad you sprung for good windows! My husband chopped off the tip of a finger while I was in the middle of tiling our shower.....he had to wait until I used up the wet grout....then I took him to the ER......priorities.

  10. Andi, they were perforated at the exact spot! lol! I love it. And not the neosporin!!! I might have thought...once and maybe another half about trying to scoop it back in...

  11. OUCH!! I was warned, but did I listen? Noooooo! I'm glad it all turned out good though! I do know I can always count of you for a good laugh Andi!

  12. Catching up on your posts. I love Cracker Jemima.. you're cray-cray, but lovable!

  13. Lol lol lol.

    I think the happy face made ME feel better!

    And that tube of whatnot? Totally looks like Monistat to me.

    Just sayin.

    Thanks for making me giggle. I assume your hubby has mended. :)

  14. I have a whole draft post about the Office Space stapler! I own one! Way to steal my thunder, funny girl.

  15. OMG...that is too funny. At least he didn't get shot in the eye with a nail gun like my husband did! I have no idea how, but yes, it actually happened :) I don't know how I missed so many posts, I'm trying to get caught up!


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