Saturday, April 16, 2016

ms. anonymous has a birthday!

It's my birthday! I thought I'd be a little self-defecating and show you some (mostly) horrible pictures of myself over the years and explain why I refer to myself as Ms. Anonymous. People simply have no idea who I am. Seriously. I'll see people I've known for years, and they'll show nary a flicker of recognition.

I'm going to blame it on my ever-changing hair and my varying degrees of fat content.  But mostly my hair. I don't want to discuss fat swings. My sparkling personality can't be the reason people forget me.

Let's start early. Looks pretty consistent so far. Except for that chipped tooth. Yeah, that helped adolescence. A lot.




But not quite as much as the glasses and metal. And perms. And losing my naturally blonde hair. The cruelty of it all.



But then there was this awesome moment. Oh. My. Lanta.

You can smell the happiness secreting off me. He was thrilled, too.

Let me live my delusion.



Things got a little changed up in high school, as things usually do. Look at those two turds on my head sophomore year. I never had a senior picture because I graduated mid-term and was too cool for that shit.

But still with the perms.



My first DIY project! And no, I'm not talking about my bed head.

I think I'm in head-to-toe velour.



My first tan! And 3,423rd perm!



I graduated from high school, then got engaged, married, and pregnant. Yes, in that order.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.



That's me and my sister Anita (I'm the one in glasses). We were pregnant at the same time and referred to each other as "Fat Cow One" and "Fat Cow Two." I'm fairly certain I was Number Two.

You're getting bored you say? Too bad. Get settled in because we have a long way to go.

So I had a couple kids, struggled a while, got divorced, and got really skinny. Totally bringing sexy back in that 3rd picture.

And yes, my watermark was strategically placed to cover my crotch.

And I think that was my first pixie.



Didn't everyone have the paint-me-like-a-whore shot done?



I was possessed by a demon...



I totally invented the duck face. This was 20 years ago, people.


Check out the cell phone!



Me, Emma, and a previous Damn Cat.



Then I got remarried. You know this guy! First, I'm kissing a cow. I love cow. Medium-rare. There was a highly inappropriate cake at this bachelorette party I won't show publicly. I will e-mail it to you privately, however, if you request it. And if I can find it.

Apparently I honeymooned alone. And I had my second (and last) tan.



Have you noticed any differences yet?

Let's move on because I know you have more important things to do.

Like chew your toenails.

Philly and I do some celebrating:



The day we brought Eddie home:



The day I got my hair dyed to match my sister's horse:



I drink wine, get classy, and snuggle Eddie.



Then there was that time Phil said I looked like Barf. I couldn't see the resemblance.



Philly is totally crying because he's married to a goddess who has been in close proximity to the Hoff.



Another change-up:


And another:


Yet another:



Are you picking up on the confusion?

I'm getting sick of me and I know you are too, so let's close this thing up.

A chapeau and Cruella de Vil:




I would be remiss if I excluded Zombie Andi:



And this was the most recent change...



Wait...did you catch that middle one?



They couldn't pick me out of the lineup because I look completely different.

I'm a respectable Grandi now. (Almost.)



I seriously thought this grandnugget was going to be a boy, but survey says...




I hope you've enjoyed this little trip down memory lane as much as I have. I love laughing at my expense, and I hope you have too! I'm forty-six years young and hope I have at least that much longer.

But don't expect me to look the same the next time you see me.


And YES. I said "self-defecating" on a porpoise. Sheesh. 


22 comments:

  1. Dang... you really have changed your hair over the years! Crazy! It looks cute right now and you def. look thin!!! Are you sure you haven't been secretly training for another marathon? Ohh, a girl! So exciting!!!

    Carrie
    curlycraftymom.com

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  2. Happy birthday πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ love the trip down memory lane! I seriously rarely change my hair style these days (laziness) but I too loved the perms and the Hoff 😊

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  3. Well you answered my first comment at the end, thank God cuz I didn't want a photo of you shitting yourself. I think the Andi I most recognize is the line-up one of course, because we met in jail for beating stupid people up. True story: when oldest had his first child my 8 year old suggested David Hasselhoff as the name. Yes he gets heat about that still. And lastly, I suppose I wanna see the cake.

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  4. P.S. We already discussed your grand baby doesn't have the parts that the one on the way here with me has, but that's ok then then can get married and Philly & Brawn will approve.

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  5. P.S.S. Dammit, fix my typo, you know I hate typos, then then, not then then.

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  6. P.S.S.S. What the hell???? I typed the typo repair wrong. People don't read Andi's posts early in the morning, she messes with 'ya. Then THEY. (You have now been awarded the most comments on one post by me, be proud).

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  7. "She said defecating!" and somewhere after that I believe I peed myself! So many of the phases have celebrity written all over them...seriously!Let there be cake!!!!

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  8. This was my most favorite post on a blog in the whole entire world!! Yep, made my entire day/weekend and that's saying something since my oldest is here to visit me!!

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    1. WOW! That IS saying something! I'm glad you enjoyed it!!

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  9. HAPPY BIRTHDAY and you win the award for most hair changes in the past 50 years! No wonder no one recognizes you, you look completely different in each photo. Are you changing your appearance to hide criminal activity?

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  10. I sit here speechless. You are truly celebrity status. I mean, the Hoff??? Be still my heart. You go from cute as a button to gorgeous, from plump to shapely, from divorced to married to the sexiest man on the internet, and still, you come down and speak to us mere mortals. Andi, I'm honored to know you. Dona

    Uh, did someone say there was cake?????

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    Replies
    1. YES! I had that damn cake at my fingertips, then I tossed it back in one of my four huge buckets of photos. I WILL find it and share it!!

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  11. Happy happy birthday Ms. Chameleon!! You really have had a lot of hair changes. I lost my naturally blonde hair, too, and dyed it light blonde for quite a few years. Mine is stick-straight, baby-fine hair and I went through years of perms--discovering that most (cheap) beauticians do not know how to perm thin, lifeless hair without making you look like Mrs. Frankenstein. This was the best post ever. I think you're cute as a button in all of them--and I mean all. You will love being a Grandma!! :)

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  12. Ok, you're adorable, always! But, couple things. 1st have you ever played the, make a circle with your thumb and forefinger and if you get someone to look at it, you get to punch them, game? The Hoff gets to punch everyone. Sly bastard. P.s. Super jelly about that one. 2nd the perms!! I think you need one right now. Give yourself a nice birthday present. I'm just saying, if anyone can bring perms back, it's you. But, I don't think I can get one, even though they're super hot...I'm allergic, yeah, that's it, allergic, but you should get one. Really!

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  13. Ok, you're adorable, always! But, couple things. 1st have you ever played the, make a circle with your thumb and forefinger and if you get someone to look at it, you get to punch them, game? The Hoff gets to punch everyone. Sly bastard. P.s. Super jelly about that one. 2nd the perms!! I think you need one right now. Give yourself a nice birthday present. I'm just saying, if anyone can bring perms back, it's you. But, I don't think I can get one, even though they're super hot...I'm allergic, yeah, that's it, allergic, but you should get one. Really!

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  14. You look amazing! There's no way you're close to be a grandma!

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  15. You are too effing cute.....I can never meet you in person because I would have to have a total makeover and I am too broke for that much extensive work. Happy birthday! I will drink a glass or two or three in your honor tonight....wait, I just noticed it's 5:00.....YAY! I can start now!!!

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  16. I have enjoyed the shit out of this post, Andi Grandi. One day we'll all have to do a blog party with our glamour shots. I mean, paint-me-like-a-whore shots. My favorite pic is the one I'll refer to as the "Jack". Nicholson. Crazy Andi just about made me pee my panties. Couldn't love you more.
    Happy birthday to you! You are the Queen of Ridiculous! Xoxo

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  17. Love the "new" hair...but will it remain new for very long? You look FABULOUS!!

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  18. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Andi!! Love this wonderful trip down memory lane!

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  19. You have 'reinvented' yourself numerous times, kudos.
    My 90's GlamourShot made me look like chunky Russian royalty in a boa.

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  20. I didn't realize I was getting to time travel today but I loved it! That takes some guts. LOL You must love us to share all that....
    Happy Birthday!
    :)
    https://gwingal.blogspot.com/

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