Tuesday, May 24, 2016

landscaping around the flag pole, Master Yoda, and ticks

Greetings! I hope you're all having a wonderful week. I was the lucky recipient of a colonoscopy recently, which is more fun than a tick infestation. (More on that later.) I love coming out of the anesthesia and discovering which random quote will fall from my numb, dry lips.

This one was Philly's all-time favorite. I clearly believed I was dying, so I raised my head ever-so-slightly and uttered, "But Master Yoda, you can't die..."

Obviously, I'm a Jedi Master.

You can't make that shit up.

Did you see my beautiful flag? And look at that amazing landscaping surrounding it. The way the parched, dried earth surrounds and embraces the dandelions? I'm awesome at gardening.

I just wanted to see how long it would take for the neighbors to complain. Not that long.

Clearly the fact we painted our door red wasn't enough to guarantee the house had curb appeal. Philly hosed it off and I added an Aldi wreath, because crafting is not my forte. I do, however, excel at quoting Star Wars. It's a brilliant addition to any resume.

And as for gardening? I endeavor to persevere.

We bought some boxwoods, a dwarf pine-tree thing, some petunias, and other random plants, and stuck them in the ground!

Did you see my buddy Roscoe in there? He has a severe case of the rusties.

He likes to dress up for Christmas. I think he looks like a Roscoe, but I'm pretty sure I got that name from growing up a Dukes of Hazzard fan.

And here's his little buddy, Anus! (Another owl...)

Sorry. Residual colonoscopy thoughts rearing their ugly heads. 

Hehehe....  Enos.

This landscaping is Eddie-approved. Oh! And Philly put together a couple rocking chairs! Now we can grow old together, even if we refuse to grow up.

Quite honestly, Eddie is simply bored with the whole thing and would rather just show you his pee-pee.

Eddie has the most obnoxious case of gas as I type this post. It is vile and toxic. Seriously gagging here.

I almost forgot about the ticks! I was at work last Friday (nearly the only, lonely soul on the entire floor), and I felt a bump on my head. I grew up in the woods, folks, and you KNOW when you have a tick. Thankfully, our secretary was on tick-duty that day and she was able to extract yon tick and promptly sprayed him with Lysol. Her supply of tick killer had recently been confiscated by this fella:

My little guy looked more like this:

I don't know if the Lysol killed the tick, but at least he has a fresh, lemony scent now.

Ticks dig that.

Naturally, I wined to Phil about the tick.

Phil said it's a hazard of living in a wooded area.

Me: The Ticks of Hazzard.

Phil: Bo and Luke Tick.

I believe this blog post finally has a weird, yet cohesive theme.

Since this is a very serious blog, I must get back to the point. And I have absolutely no idea what that is. Instead, I'll just show you an updated picture of my flag and fledgling landscape.

Look only at the pretty part around the flag. You will stop looking at the crappy-looking left side of the house.

I'm using an old Jedi Mind Tick.


  1. Wow! The force is strong in this one! SPOON!!!!

  2. I think I have your cat's brother in my weed bed! Ewwww to the tick. That is just plain scary. Poor stinky Eddie. He is having sympathy bowels for you. I hope everything is OK Andi!

  3. You rock Andi. Seriously. I am a new writer and I love to mooch off (uh, I mean, learn from) good writers. Just wanted to say thanks for putting yourself out there!

  4. Loved your story Jedi master, looking forward to more of same, I am.

  5. my bestie took me for my colon thingy and i had her write on my back "to boldly go where no man has gone before" cracked the nurses and techs up the doctor not so much xx

  6. I love everything about this cohesive post!! :) :)

  7. I demand to know why pooting Eddie doesn't have a floofy bed on the porch by your newly assembled rockers that are waiting for old people. There aren't any at your house, know it I do.
    Also , I'm thinking that you might be at your piano banging out God Bless America through the window. That would be awesome.

  8. You really need to post more often, I'm Lmao!! I love your anus, owls are my fav. I also had a tick yesterday but I don't think he was a tick of Hazard. I flushed mine down the toilet saying see ya mother F'er. You need to write books! You'd have people everywhere reading and laughing. Nothing better than that!

  9. I always wanted my parents to get a flag pole when I was a kid for our yard, now I'm an adult and I could get one! Lol! Yours looks great and the area you landscaped around it is darling, too. I love that cat!! And, my parents both get colonoscopy from time to time (I guess for regular check ups or whatever) and it does not sound fun and I don't look forward to it at all later! Altho, next year will be my first mammo and I'm dreading that, too! Too funny what you said when you came out of it, LOL. I have never had a tick and I want to keep it that way, they freak me out!


  10. I would like a red door ok I would prefer a purple door but either would be nice but Tim is like no bloody way are we doing that why because he is a stick in the mud just saying

    1. I think I "forgot" to ask my husband before I painted our front door purple! ;)

  11. Never visit my house. We call the weeds "grass."

  12. I don't even know what comment to leave on this one. However, the Jedi mind trick didn't work.

  13. You did a smashing job with the flower garden. We built a new house and they landscaped and everything...but it's completely overrun now. I SO need to get to weeding, but allergies... *sigh* I need a slave. ;)

  14. Wait...what left side of the house? Man, you're good.....Dona

  15. I'm here now. Better late than never. I hate ticks. I haven't seen one since I moved to Florida, but I had to change the stuff we use for fleas and mosquitoes. On the dogs. Not on me. I still have fleas. We had to switch to something stronger, and no, I don't mean I give alcohol to the dogs. That's for me. They take Trifexis, which costs a fortune but is so worth it. I had a color, colin, holeinoscopy, can't remember the word because I was asleep, a couple of years ago. I didn't mind the going to sleep part. They knocked me out fast to shut me up. I woke up and some kid walked me out to Willy Dunne Wooters. I said, Wooters, take me to breakfast. The "procedure" was not the bad part. It was drinking the crap with no vodka in it the day before and pooping my brains out, which have never returned. I took along a towel in the car to drive to the "procedure" in case I puked and ended up putting it over my head and eyes because I had such a headache. Anyway, Wooters took me straight to the neighborhood diner for breakfast and then we probably came home and did naughty things, like ring the neighbors' doorbells and run. The good thing about drinking the gross stuff was that I told Wooters that it meant I got to choose the movies we would watch while I drank it. MY movies all day long. No movies with computers, about computers, starring computers. I like your flag, but I read something not long ago about if you fly your flag at night, it's supposed to be illuminated, and I do not mean with Christmas lights. Neighbors somewhere had a fight because one man left his flag out at night and didn't illuminate it, and one of his neighbors took exception to that. I think it ended in fisticuffs and a judge. Anyway, I like your flag, and the landscaping is great. How's the pantry? Don't tell me I missed the finishing touches.


  16. If your neighbour complain again, I suggest using a master jedi trick on them... or bottling Eddie's gas and offering them the bottle!

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